I was raped.
It took me ten years to allow these words to come out of my mouth.
As I write this the pit of my stomach aches and my throat tightens. . . I fight back a stream of tears that for too long have belonged to my abusers. Simultaneously I’m exhausted from the silence and I realize my throat is opening, joining the chorus and ready to release this hold it’s had on me for over a decade.
Every single woman and man courageously speaking out has been a helping hand, slowly picking the heavy lock deep inside of me.
Every #metoo, every victim of Harvey Weinstein, Trump, and countless other well-known powerful abusers who are coming forward regardless of the judgements placed on them by the public, women banding together all over the world this year to march, speak out, LOVE and support each other, fighting to raise awareness of their suffering or their fight to educate others on the burdens of their cultures, the fight to BE SEEN and ACCEPTED—you have freed me.
Finally allowing my loved ones see me in all my vulnerability, shame, and humility—created a relieving response of love and compassion which vanished all my imaginary terrible responses. I’ve come to the light at the end of my dark tunnel.
I’ve written in my journal and obsessively thought about how I would write this in my head, determined to find the right words that would be universal enough for everyone suffering in silence yet strong enough to communicate to people that are disconnected from sexual assault, abuse, harassment, discrimination, etc. So here I am, hoping that my raw honesty is enough to empower and connect with any of you reading this. I aim to ignite change not to receive pity from my experience, because it’s not ugly to me anymore, it’s the grit and gumption woven inside of me to use my voice and create with integrity.
If one person reads this who has experienced something traumatic, who feels ashamed, “dirty”, and is trying to block it— don’t. I see you. You are not alone and the ideas we form in our minds from being raped or humiliated—understand it’s not your fault, you are perfect still.
If one person reads this who feels unattached or has never experienced a situation like this, I hope my story puts another face and connection to this rampant normalized problem. I hope it softens your heart to not make harsh jokes or judgements on anyone. You never truly know what someone has been through or experienced. Be gentle.
Stepping in to the last year of my twenties and reflecting on 2017, I’ve never felt more empowered, or beautiful in my truth. I’m proud to lift up my voice and join others standing against injustice. To the millions before me, thank you for making me feel less alone, this new wave of speaking out and being heard is in your honor.
To anyone with me or after me, I will never stay silent again for you. Whatever your process is, whether you choose to handle it privately or publicly- YOU ARE A WARRIOR, YOU ARE CLEAN. Find release, don’t allow this story to hold power over you, the present moment is a clean slate and a chance to shine your beautiful bright white light and love to the world. Freedom is in accepting and loving yourself. Fill your cup abundantly. Your happiness is right on the other side of your fear and resistance to it. Let go angel.
I’m finally stepping in to a fearless new understanding of the woman I truly am. She is a force, a warrior for women in silence, a survivor, a creator of beautiful imagery and art, forever a sponge soaking up the human experience and an honest soul existing in this unique space and time. This is my revolution.